How Do People Experience You?

Whenever I make hotel or other reservations online, one of the things I look out for is the rating and reviews by people who have stayed there.

Naturally, I gravitate toward places with high ratings, as I expect that those places will provide a better experience than those with low ratings. But something interesting always stands out.

Even the best-rated places get very low ratings as well. You would see a place with a high cumulative score of 9+ with a rating of less than 2 by some people. When you read the comments of such people, you will understand one simple truth:

People experience the same place differently.

No matter how much effort is made by service providers to standardize quality, experiences will always vary.

The Same Is True for People

As much as we wish and try to be consistent and present ourselves in a certain way, people will experience us differently. To some people you are kind and generous; to others, you are mean or even cruel. I remember a neighbor I admired for his prudence. He didn’t waste resources and didn’t like to trouble others. To me, that was discipline. But to some others, he was simply stingy and unhelpful.

Same person. Different experiences.

The Risk in Recommendations

This difference in experience becomes even more obvious when we recommend people.

A lady once asked me if someone I knew closely was “husband material.” She wanted to know if he’d be a good husband to her because he had asked her out on a date. It was a simple question, but not a simple answer.

That question set me up to really think and I told her honestly, "I cannot answer that objectively." Why not, you may ask?

Because my experience of him as a friend is not the same as what she would experience in a marriage. We had different expectations, different levels of closeness, and different needs.

Someone can be:

• A great friend
• A difficult partner
• A respected colleague
• A frustrating boss
• A great public speaker
• A terrible communicator

All of these at the same time.

He could be a great friend to me but a terrible husband to her. Of course, people often say that if someone displays certain traits, they would be ok in all relationships and situations. But that is not always true. How I experience the guy is completely different from how she would ever experience him. Right now, I am friends with many people who on their own cannot stand each other.

So when we recommend people or receive recommendations, we must be careful. What you are hearing is someone else’s experience, not an absolute truth.

What Shapes How People Experience You?

There is another angle to consider: People don’t just experience you based on what you do. They experience you based on a mix of factors, yours and theirs. These include:

1. Your Values and Beliefs

What drives your actions? What do you stand for?
People who align with your values will likely have a better experience of you than those who don’t.

2. Your Background and Formation

Your upbringing, environment, and life experiences shape how you behave.

The environment we grew up in & the energy we allow to control us currently play a part. - A 'do as you like' home or an absent father. If you still blame your parents, if you suffered abuse as a child, or if you were needy & grew up hopeless not knowing where the next meal would come from, you are likely a terrible experience.

Someone raised in a strict environment may come across as disciplined to one person and rigid to one raised in much looser settings.

3. Your Expectations

If you move through life with a “me against the world” mindset, or with the belief that you are entitled to special treatment, ‘You shall be the head & not the tail'; the world owes you mentality. You are special; your religion bestows on you special privileges—'People will go hear am for your hand' lol (people will feel it).

And it will affect how they experience you.

4. How You Treat People

This is a big one.

How do you treat:

• Those below you?
• Your equals?
• Those above you?

Are you harsh to those 'inferior' to you & a 'sycophant' to your superiors? Then people will notice. And their experience of you will reflect it.

5. The Other Person’s Lens

People also bring their own history into every interaction.

Someone’s past experiences, beliefs, and expectations will shape how they interpret your actions.

As the saying goes, we do not see the world as it is; we see it as we are.

 

So, What Can You Control?

If people will always experience you differently, does it mean nothing matters? Not at all.

While you cannot control everyone’s perception, you can work on your dominant experience: the general way people encounter you over time.

Are you:

• Kind?
• Reliable?
• Honest?
• Thoughtful?

These qualities should show up consistently. The goal is not perfection. The goal is consistency.

A Personal Filter

Over time, I have learned to pay attention to what drives people.

I try to understand their values, their belief systems, and what motivates their behavior. Naturally, I connect more deeply with people who are:

• Honest
• Inquisitive
• Loyal to causes I align with

With others, the interaction may remain more transactional. And that’s okay.

Because just as I experience people differently, they also experience me differently

Final Thoughts

No matter who you are, not everyone will experience you the same way. But you have a responsibility.

• Be intentional about how you show up.
• Be mindful of your values and behavior.
• Strive to give people a good experience, consistently.

Because in the end, the question remains: How do people experience you?