Expectations Unraveled

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In the past few weeks, I have had some unpleasant encounters with 2 relatives. I found out in a most surprising way that I have not lived up to their expectations of me as a relative. I had the impression that I had been doing quite well but when things got to a head and they spoke their minds, I was a bit dumbfounded. I have reviewed the encounter and found some nuggets that I wish to share. These are a great help in navigating the treacherous terrain of human relations.

In every relationship, it is essential to know what the other party expects of you. I previously wrote about ‘Unpacking Your Bags of Expectations’ in a relationship, but my focus had been on romantic relationships. And although I mentioned familial relationships, I had not really applied them to all relationships. We may be of the same parents, grew up together, and share other close family ties but we may have different ideas of what things mean. What makes one a good person? What does a family member owe another? How do we show love, affection and respect? How do we care for one another when sick, broke or going through stressful situations? What is the payment if any for helping out? What are my obligations and what are my responsibilities? These are things that are often never discussed. Well, they have never been discussed with the people I had issues with. Each person made up his mind about what to expect of the other and assumed that to be the holy grail.

Another problem that exacerbated the issues is that we have rarely interacted in over 16 years; that was the last time we lived together in the same city. In that time each person had grown in a different direction. I have generally become a different person baring the the stability of basic principles that my life is built around such as my faith, my positive, never-give-up attitude, and laughter, but my views about money, health, recreation and many other issues have metamorphosised. I painted a picture of how friends grow apart in the article the-dilemma-of-meeting-lost-friend. The same thing applies to family relationships as well. There is a limit to what we will know about our friends and relatives unless we keep in touch very regularly. We may know of the big things that happen in their lives but there is no way we can truly know them except they tell us of their feelings, pains and triumphs. That is the case whether they live far from us or near. If we lived close by, we may see some of these things and hear about them in the community but when we are far apart, it is harder to keep in touch and keep track of them.
 
The worst situation is that despite the issues highlighted, including that you do not know what they want, have different definitions of responsibilities and obligations, and have grown apart, someone will have an expectation of you. Within a little stretch, these expectations turn to entitlements - 'if you are my relative, you must do this or that for me, the way I want it, regardless of what you think. Otherwise, you are a bad person'. Hmmm.

Expectation is like an itch, in a particular area of the body, perhaps hard to reach for the person. Even if another person rubbed, massaged or scratched the whole body, it is a waste of time, and it is nothing to the person until you scratch the body part that is itching. Then even if you did nothing else for the person, he would be grateful to you. (Unmet expectations are the reason relationships fail. Another reason is greed, which is also a form of unmet expectations, often developed after the initial expectations have been met).

Let us clear a point quick, Expectations are not a bad thing! They are part of what makes us human and unique. We all have desires and want them met, thus we expect things of ourselves and other people. When we enter a relationship, it is because we want certain things and because the other person meets some needs. The ability to meet needs and desires also sets us apart from one another. The problem is in situations we are in a relationship, either the one we enter ourselves like a romantic relationship or one that we are born into such as a family or work relationship, and then we have expectations that are not understood or can not be met.

This calls for work on our part, for any significant and critical relationship we must be deliberate in finding out what the others expect of us. We should be okay, as well, to let them know what we expect of them. A friend told me he overheard his wife telling her friend on the phone that she could have only married and respected a man who would take the lead spiritually. She had never told him that and although he knows what taking the lead spiritually means as they share the same faith, he may be blindsided if they do not have a conversation where she lays out her cards as clearly as possible.


For work relationships, you may ask your superiors and peers, ‘How can best be of service to you?’, and your direct reports ‘How can I help you grow?’. These and similarly couched questions can help you understand what they expect of you. Similar questions can be used for parents, children, spouses, lovers, families, etc. However you wish to phrase the question, including going straight up to ask it, the goal is to ask ‘What do you expect of me in this relationship’. Then go ahead and share yours.

Then this is where the tricky part comes in, the fact that someone has stated their expectations does not mean that in all instances, they must be met. For the good of the relationship, do all you can to meet expectations, and recall the analogy about itches. But if you can not meet the expectation, be honest to say what you can do & it is expected that the other party would be reasonable to lower some expectations. But note that there are some expectations that are at the crux of the relationship. If they can not be met then there is no need to commit to such or else you will see divorces, resignations, disownments, and other breakups due to irreconcilable differences.



If you care enough or it is critically important to your well-being (including financially) make time out, engage people you relate with and find out in clear terms what they expect of you and good speed to you as you meet them and have your expectations met too; and what a wonderful world that would be!



Picture credits: Confused man - https://www.jasoncortel.com/help-my-boss-sets-unclear-expectations-or-frequently-changes-them/
Lost friend: Gracen Hoyle: https://trinitonian.com/2022/03/31/lost-friends-complacency-is-dangerous/
Expectations Illustrated: https://www.focusedmomentum.com/blog/will-your-planning-meeting-expectations

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