For the Sake of the Children – Beware!

 “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.” - C.S. Lewis

“The Golden Rule of Parenting is do unto your children as you wish your parents had done unto you!” - Louise Hart

I still vaguely remember the first time I heard the phrase ‘for the sake of the children’. In this and almost all instances thereafter, it meant parents sacrificing a part of their lives to make a better one for their children. It has not always worked well for the parents and the children. Perhaps, you can also go into your repository and check if my observations are correct.

I could overhear my parents discussing a problem and the options before them as they considered the cons and pros of choosing an option that had the best payout. After a while, my Mama reluctantly said ‘e hirinma rumutakiri’ and that was the first time I heard the phrase that when translated from the Ikwerre language is ‘for the sake of the children’ in English. I think that what they chose to do was not the best for them but they prioritized the needs of the children as they knew how. 

From then on I have observed the power of ‘the children’ in decisions that parents have made. I know a few women who were advised to stay in their struggling marriages because of the children; yes, some of those paid off, but others had disastrous outcomes. I know of parents who gave up great opportunities for the same reason. Well, putting the family first has worked very well for some people as they avoided lots of pitfalls.

In recent times, however, I have observed a disturbing trend – people unnecessarily mortgaging their future for ‘the sake of the children’.

Nigeria is facing some of its worst challenges since independence, or at least what everyone is facing now is the worst anyone has seen in all aspects of their lives. Security is at its worst and making a living is so, so hard! Professionals have to struggle to eke out a living. No parent wishes that their children face hardship and people are doing all they can to position the children for a prosperous future.

People have dealt with the harsh realities in various ways. One way is immigration.

Whole families have emigrated to seek greener pastures. Of course, each man and his wife have the right to decide what is best for their family and that ought to be respected. The unfortunate thing in this regard is that a lot of parents are leaving a great life here consisting of good jobs, great housing, a life they are accustomed to a ‘strange’ way of life that may not equal what they had here for ‘the sake of the children’. These parents often find out that they may have given off far more than the new life is worth. Many disillusionments abound as people do not find the work, housing, and indeed the life they hoped for. Migrating for the sake of the children may not have been the best decision for the man and woman! Of course, only a few get to admit to this, but if you probe a little more, you will see.

I know a family that lived in a luxurious House, with maids and the children attended an International School who migrated and found things very rough although indeed the children got enrolled in the ‘better school’ of their dreams. ‘For the sake of the children’ put great strains on the marriage and it is at breaking point now.

Another way parents are dealing with the economic problems is to send their children abroad for some ‘quality education’ with the hope that when they graduate, they may return to better opportunities back home or remain abroad for work. With the issues with forex, I have seen parents run aground economically just to pay fees. For the sake of the children is ruining some parents I know and it is not funny at all to see otherwise well to do people go broke and at times do questionable things.

I spoke with a lady whose dad spent fortunes to send her abroad for studies.  She is now a successful professional but said the foreign education didn’t contribute much to her success. She would have preferred that he lived better with his resources.  

The third way people have dealt with the downturn and the most drastic in my estimation is when they, men especially, relocate their families abroad. The man holds a good job which is able to pay the bills and he relocates his wife and children abroad. The man then lives alone in Nigeria and visits his family a few times a year. 

Do you see what is happening in this instance? For the sake of the children, the man loses the intimacy and company of his wife and that of the children who end up gaining one thing and losing plenty more. My concern is for the parents in this instance; just to give the children a good life, so-called, a man will also lose his wife and family? I know men whose deaths have been attributed to carelessness resulting from living alone and philandering while their wives lived abroad with their children.

Many times, the woman also loses. A lady recently lamented how she lost so much taking care of the children in a foreign land hoping that her husband would join her on his retirement. Unfortunately, the man married a new wife and stayed back in Nigeria, while she was stuck overseas as the shame of the man’s treachery would not let her return. Unfortunately, the marriage was long gone in those years they did love by correspondence, all for the sake of the children, who presently are traumatized in various ways. In this instance, all was lost 'for the sake of the children'.

There is no place like home. Many parents who made sacrifices for the sake of their children are now forced to live abroad with nostalgia about home because the children won’t return and the parents never factored that in when they sent them abroad. I know quite a few who would wish to live in Nigeria but are left with no choice if they must see their children and grandchildren. They stay abroad with nothing really to do, sad & weary in a land whose dynamics they do not really understand.

This is a wakeup call to parents, please, consider what is best for you too when you make decisions about your children. Of course, you shouldn’t mortgage their future but you are also human and should enjoy this life. Your children will turn out well when you give them your presence, love, care, and quality education that ensures that your well-being is a factor in the decision, trust me. That holiday you cannot have because you can’t afford it for the whole family? Please, go with your wife. Don't worry about the kids too much, someday, they will travel with their spouses too.

Sometimes, truly ‘for the sake of the children’ means that you make decisions ‘for your own sake’. Which child is there who wants his parents dead or their lives destroyed because they wanted to give them a good life?

Think!

Family: Image by master1305 on Freepik

Migration: Image by pikisuperstar on Freepik

Family hugging: Image by freepik

Oldman: Image by master1305 on Freepik