Seeing the World as it is!

We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are. - Anais Nin.

This statement resonates with many people but just a few practically understand it. I have always believed I understood its essence, but a recent encounter challenged my perspective, showing me its depth. Let me share my deepened understanding and what I have learned.

Our beliefs shape our perception, which shapes our reality. Do you know where our beliefs come from? 

We are born with unique traits that predispose us to certain behaviours. In the same home, you may have kids with different traits. One may be quiet and reserved, while another may be loud and outgoing. As we grow, our environment made up primarily of our parents, relatives and community further shapes us, molding us to who we are. Some people broaden their horizons by travelling and reading, exposing themselves to diverse influences farther than their immediate confines permit. Depending on the strength of each of these influences we form a personality that mirrors them. We thus create a personality unique to us - creating a distinct worldview.

Based on the factors of our development we develop belief systems that guide how we interpret actions, a filter through which we see the world. We label people based on what actions they take. For example, in some cultures, a man providing for his family is considered virtuous. In others, his worth might be assessed differently. I know people who say physical abuse is a sign of love in a marriage, for others, it is taboo. First, we build up a system of belief about what every action means. Then, whenever we see that action we label it as we perceive it, good, bad or neutral. Another person may see it differently. Take the example of a man with 3 wives. Depending on your belief system, that man may be a sinner, doing God’s will or unremarkable. These examples illustrate that we perceive actions through the lens of our beliefs, not as they truly are.

While values like kindness, respect, honesty, responsibility, gratitude, and justice are universal, these can be misinterpreted. We often struggle with common definitions and how they are displayed. The big problem then is that based on our belief system, we often attribute actions we see as a display of a particular value, or quality regardless of what the motive really is. Unfortunately, the person may be doing it for a completely different reason other than what we label it to be. People’s motives don’t always align with the actions we observe. That is how it is possible to dupe and deceive people.

What this means is that it is impossible to know who people really are simply from their actions. You must understand their motives as well. You may assume that what some actions mean to you are the same as what they mean to those people. Sometimes, they mean different things.  You thus interpret it wrongly and draw conclusions that are biased or outrightly false. This highlights the importance of understanding motives—the “why” behind actions—instead of making assumptions based solely on what we see.

The only way to really know someone or to understand them well is to interact with them and know their ‘whys’. Know the reason they do the things they do, and not just assume that what they do or not do means the same things as you know it. So the very first time we see an action displayed we could interpret it to mean something. But it is when we probe further that we’d be able to see it for what it really is.

I once admired a schoolmate for her modest dressing - not revealing or tight, believing it reflected my principles about dressing. Another classmate, chaste in behaviour and speech, seemed to epitomize virtue. However, deeper inquiry revealed that the former dressed modestly due to a physical condition and baring such badly wished to showcase her body. The other avoided relationships out of fear of parental punishment but indulged in private fantasies and behaviours that contradicted her outward persona.

Their actions, while outwardly commendable, stemmed from circumstances that didn’t align with my initial assumptions of who they really were. Would you still rate them as modest and chaste? You may have also heard that a lot of bad behaviour is hidden in poverty. A man may appear virtuous simply because he cannot afford the vice that his soul craves.

This evening as I thought about this issue, I came to the conclusion that when we judge people based solely on what we see, we risk misunderstanding them entirely. The way we see others is often prejudiced by our upbringing and we must be on guard not to think that our way of doing things is the holy grail.

The Johari Window provides a useful framework for this idea. It likens knowledge to a window that divides knowledge into four parts:

1. Open: Known to self and others.
2. Blind: Known to others but not self.
3. Hidden: Known to self but not others.
4. Unknown: Unknown to both.

It is a great thing if the things you know about yourself are the same as what people know about you in the open quadrant. The danger is that hidden quadrant, where people make assumptions and suppositions that may not be true. It is only when there is open communication that it would be possible to clear off such misconceptions.

If you have seen something that is considered uncomely or otherwise about another person the best thing to do is to make enquiries as to what it really is. Don’t get all judgmental or approving, you could be wrong. Instead of rushing to judge, we should engage in dialogue to uncover motives and clear misunderstandings. This approach not only deepens our understanding of others but also fosters empathy and growth.

To see the world as it truly is, we must move beyond our biases and assumptions reflective of our worldview. Let’s strive for open communication, seek to understand others’ motives, and remain mindful that actions do not always reflect intentions. By doing so, we can build a more compassionate and accurate view of the world—one interaction at a time.

Are you ready to see the world as it truly is? Let’s embark on this journey together.